prepare your anus


a cold, but sunny, Sunday afternoon and i am on a bus headed for Glenrothes. a horrible but necessary trip to Glenrothes to visit family.

the bus is a short bus.  the bus does not come equipped with a ‘mute’ button, but it does have a window seat, close to the exit.

[am i asking for too much?]

i take my seat and await departure.  my hopes of a leisurely and pleasant Sunday trip are quashed as a group of rowdy teenagers board the bus and occupy the entire rear seating area – coupled with the high-pitched whine and screeching groan of the bus’ tired engines.

myself and other passengers sit quietly while the kids screech and scream and make their presence felt by loudly informing everyone of their stories: “that wiz totully the best burger av evur hid, likes” and “ah kin undae her bra wi’ jist wan hand!” “no ye cannae!” “aye, he kin by the way!” “Wee Jamie got a blowjob last night fae Fiona” “he says he couldnae cum fo” “somefing aboot her maw” “her maw’s totally braw like – ah wid totully big dick her face or her bumhole” “David-o here says he’s shagged Fiona’s maw – ah dae believe that fo” “am goan tae McDonalds – you comin’ David-o?” “get a BIG MAC” “ur we gonnae spend the hale day in Glenrotten?” “ma dad’s goat a Audi

[it’s AN Audi… you illiterate little twerp]

and so the teenage spewage continues at large.  at volume.  at pace.  fever-pitch.

the teenage girls, in full make-up, flirt and pout and take the ubiquitous #selfies.

“look..! here’s me on the bus wi’ ma tits oot!”

“look… here’s me squeezin’ Danny’s cock”

“look… here’s me and ‘Shell touchin’ tongues!” 

try as they might, with their Kim Kardashian over-painted cheekbones and stencilled in brows, but the flourishing hormones and blight of teenage acne is still very much apparent.  the puppy fat, the spots and the new-found breasts. the breasts that the teenage boys can’t seem to see beyond.

the teenage boys puff out their chests and hold their breaths… holding their six-packs held together with bravado and a deep inhalation as they peacock and grope.

[hold that breath, boy!  you don’t want Fiona thinking your a tubby one now, do you?]

posing and groping – hoping to get their dicks wet, i guess.

[poor cunts] 

louder and louder – they command attention.  the girls are loving it, glancing around them to see who is watching, and who is shocked.


i don’t remember teenagers being quite so egocentric.  but i guess a lot of kids are and always have been.

perhaps i am growing increasingly intolerant with each passing year.

the bus meanders through the countryside, as the sun splits the trees, the engines scream up and down through the gears.

the sky is clear and blue, like the colour of a teenage pregnancy test result.  clear and blue, save for a few smudged remnants of grey cloud from yesterday’s storm.

black crows gather, as if part of some secret Society, quietly plotting a murder.


[i am planning a murder…]

Jamie!!!  ah telt ye ah could undae her bra wi’ wan hand!” one spotty boy yells, loud enough for residents in the Faroe Islands to hear, as the Jessica Rabbit type ginger-haired girl, with enormous breasts, screams “SOOK MA ROOT!” at the top of her lungs.  she immediately tones down the pitch to a quiet and embarrassed giggle as she realises the bus driver is roaring at them all to “BLOODY BEHAVE!!!!

i look out the window.  the trees and hedges are bare.  as bare as my patience.

i glance around.  they are all fumbling with one another.  horny.

one boy – a fat boy with horn-rimmed spectacles – sits alone.  he’s neither a fumbler or a befumbled.  he is incredibly fat. he is using a crushed can of Rockstar energy juice as ‘a musical instrument’ he says.  it makes a sound that i can only liken to the roar of Gabriel’s horn…  deafening and COMMANDING attention…  i look at him. he looks like a cherub… chubby and with a fair, clear complexion.

and complex he is…

i kinda like this kid.  his full moon-shaped face is funny, and squint.  he is loud, fat and probably the last thing that that kid needs is to eat another Big Mac.  i smile to him.  he smiles back, sweetly.   i kinda feel sorry for this unfumbled boy.  he smiles back sweetly, pointing to his ”i love anal” t-shirt.

i find myself laughing out loud.

the bus stops by Morrisons’ supermarket and they all get off.  one by one they amble down the aisle, swinging arms and grappling with each other, thanking the driver as they leap out into the wild…

on the way out, the fat anal boy nudges his friend and says “see hur… (pointing to me) ah wanna big dick her!

Just get aff ma bus!” roars the driver, his patience already snap, crackling and popping.

these horny teenagers have a lot to learn about the opposite sex.

god help those who help them because they sure as shit can’t help themselves…


(c) Kat McDonald 2015




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